I didn’t have much patience.
I didn’t have a career.
I was still trying to find myself.
I was very selfish and felt like the world revolved around me.
And then I found out I was pregnant.
I was blown away then and I am still blown away.
By and large I didn’t think I qualified, or fit the bill for someone suitable to be a mom.
I was 21 years old, in an uncommitted situation and just trying to find my way.
In my third year of college, still with an undeclared major, had just lost my job, a really good job, and was working one that was now paying me half of what I made.
It was weird, but he was excited, I was scared, and everyone else – well they were disappointed.
I heard things like, “don’t tell him, you can just handle it” and “you better fix it” and even “you’re just gonna be another statistic”.
I didn’t know what I was gonna do, but all I did know was that I was having a baby. Anything after that was a mystery to me.
When I had her and saw her little face, it gave me life, new life; I was motivated and determined to be something more than what I was, in a way I had never been.
I went back to the job I couldn’t stand and I gave my best while looking for something better, and I found something better too; I went back to school and declared a major (even though it ended up changing again anyway); and I took care of her, which was one of the best feelings ever. Knowing that I could and I was taking care of her.Sometimes we surprise ourselves with some of the things we can do with a lil #motivation Click To Tweet
As years went by, and drama ensued, and struggle happened, and personality conflicts were present, to say that I didn’t enjoy parenting was an understatement.
In my mind I had my own conclusions and reasons for why I felt that way, which I still don’t know if they were wrong or right and quite frankly it doesn’t even matter.
I tried to give up, I wanted to give her to her other parental unit and start fresh, I wanted to be relieved of the responsibility, the hurt feelings, the tears and all that came with it all.
But I didn’t and I couldn’t.
After three years of actively trying and not succeeding, randomly I was introduced to the reality that another child was being added to my world.
A son. Just what I wanted and had even prayed for.
I was happy.
Married, in my career, graduated with not one but two degrees, and finally at what felt like a better place in most parts of life.
What you wouldn’t know from looking at me is that me and my daughter was at a most strained place in ever. We were like oil and water and if not for the neutralizing agent that is my husband, we would have probably exploded.
A part of me wanted to believe that having the new baby would bring us all closer and fill the gap that we couldn’t seem to bring closed otherwise.
A girl can dream right?
I’d say that my own issues and position would disqualify me from the running to be chosen for one of the most important gigs in the world.
But still it didn’t.
The baby boy was born, and excitement was ever present, and then something else took over.
My husband and I both were exhausted, the little one didn’t sleep and we were just “trying to make it”.
I had a short fuse, I could snap at any given moment (and sometimes I did) and I felt like my face was just barely above water.
Things would appear to get better and then we would be right back at square one, starting from what felt like scratch.
It was back and forth like a NBA basketball game.
In the middle of a up court moment, a family crisis happened and without a childbirth I then acquired another child.
It happens because it’s beyond my control, above my pay grade, and every reason in between.
I know you have heard the saying that God doesn’t call the qualified, he qualifies the Called.
This is why I am for certain that I have been called to parent.
It was never a thing on my agenda, it was never a desire of mine,I never actually wanted to be a parent.
But God has called me to this, to raise these kids and allow him to get the glory when this is all said and done.
I don’t know what he will do with it, but even when I am standing in a puddle of my tears, I am thanking God for what he is doing in my life, how he is using me and growing me, and the blessings that my family are reaping.
He is sovereign and faithful and I am grateful that even though by all standards I did not qualify for parenting, but he is still showing me capable and giving me everything I need to do it!
So if you get nothing else from this, know that even though you feel like you don’t qualify, or there is no way you could do the job, if God says that it is so, then it is so and you shall just walk in it and watch him equip you with everything that you need!