When I had my son almost three years ago, life changed. I mean after the birth of any child things will be different inevitably because there’s a whole new human in tow.
But for what feels like the longest, I’ve been feeling like I lost myself and been searching to find the girl who existed before that early morning in November.
Somewhere over the course of the sleepless nights, constant crying, and pure exhaustion I lost who I was.
I’ve been on a somewhat desperate search to find that girl and become her again.
I miss her so much.
But what I’ve realized is she’s gone, I won’t find her and it’s time to move on.
In the course of all the crazy, god has been doing some major rehab on that girl that existed three short years ago. And while I miss the freedom, the focus and even the life she had, I’m neglecting to remember her struggle then, her unhappiness, her discontentment.
What I’m realizing is that it’s not so much her I miss it’s the feeling she had, the ability to fight, have fun and rest easy. The ability to feel as though she had things under control, that she could get through and the push to actually do it.
That’s what I really miss.
When talking to my hubby, I often reference the fact that I just want to feel like myself again; I want to feel not overwhelmed, not anxious, not frustrated and not ready (and sometimes seemingly, willing) to give up on everything.
I want to feel like I am doing at least ONE thing good. JUST ONE DARN THING!
I am guessing that a large part of why I feel these things are because not only am I missing her, I am secretly mourning here, because I feel like I will never see her again.
And while mourning her might be extreme, even if that were the most appropriate description, I should still find some hope, happiness and resolve in what the future holds because as a person of faith, I don’t mourn as an unbeliever would.
My faith has taught me and I firmly believe, there is always hope, and there is always God’s hand in the mix, which means it is good – even ALL GOOD, if I may.
Three years ago, I was excited to be moving into a new home, having a new baby, recently married to my best friend, recently completed my MBA program and in a decent financial space, which had never really been the case before.
While I was carefree, or so it seemed, I had no real direction or aspirations for my career, my relationship with the one child I had was in shambles, I was still hanging on to unhealthy friendships, and I really had some internal garbage I needed to work on and through.
The last three years has brought about abounding change in each and every one of those areas.
While things are not perfect, quite far from it, the last three years have pushed me in some way to a better version of the girl I knew myself to be three years ago.
If I think back three years, I was probably yearning for the twenty something year old single girl with no kids and full of screw ups, for a chance to do some things over.
But the funny thing about time is you can’t go back in it, and each and every day shapes and molds the next in some way shape or form.
So I guess now I am faced with loving and embracing the new girl; the girl who has become a mom of three, a wife of a man who loves hard and sees me through fog filled eyes, the girl who has a few goals and is fighting for them, who wants to honor God in every way that she can and is constantly looking in the mirror to see what she can work on next.Now I am faced with loving and embracing the new girl... Click To Tweet
It’s about time to fully put that old chick to rest because she doesn’t live here anymore, if at all. She has evolved and grown into a new woman, a new being, a new creature that deserves to be celebrated in the time that she is here, for she will someday need to be put to rest as her older, wiser, more graceful self will arrive and replace the model before me now.
As I write this, I am visualizing myself and all the havoc I would create if I drove around looking through my rearview mirror instead of my windshield in front of me.
It wouldn’t be a pretty site, and I would have reason, GOOD REASON, to be fretful, anxious, overwhelmed and everything in between.
I’d make a great deal of a mess and have some real repairs to make, IF I made it through at all.
Essentially, that is what I am doing to myself right now.
I am creating my own mess, looking back and missing who I was and essentially wishing I could drive backwards.
I am not looking at the new vehicle I have to drive and push forward in.
Essentially when you grow and move forward in what God is pushing you to be, you are made new and are a bright shiny version of your old self.
Are there things I could be doing better?
Are there things I could start doing that I stopped that were good for me?
Are there lessons I learned at that point of my life that I need to hold on to?
yes. Yes. and YES!
But I am realizing that the key in being able to move forward to continue to grow and to continue to be better, which is what I crave, is that I have to drive this thang facing forward, checking for traffic, stopping when needed, rerouting when there is a detour, and embracing each moment that I am presently, yes PRESENTLY – as in the right now, in.
So I am coming to grips with the fact that I am never gonna find the self from three years ago, the one I am yearning to be again, or hoping to one day “find”. I am accepting that where I am is right where I am supposed to be, and while my struggles now seem harder than they were before, I felt this exact same way then.
I wondered how I would get past those struggles, how I could push forward and what it would look like.
That girl from three years ago, she is no more.That girl from the past, she doesn't live here anymore... #madenew Click To Tweet
I may never find her, but I am going to embrace the new girl – the person she has become, and love her just the same.