For fear of talking about myself too much, I had strayed away from telling my story in the RGW series. After all, you can find out about me here, and even here in some capacity. But after talking with the beautiful Yulunda over at Y I’m Writeous, I was encouraged to share.
I struggle in a major way with parenting my children, in different ways, but it’s hard for me none the less. At one point, after comparing myself to what I saw in people’s social media feeds, and hearing stories people would tell I had claimed that I was an awful mother. I wasn’t that gushy being-a-mom-is-the-greatest-thing-ever kind of mom. I didn’t cry when I have done first time school drop offs, I occasionally miss some of the school functions, I struggle with maintaining a functional co-parenting relationship, and I sometimes just want to be left alone.
But as someone told me, believe half of what you see and none of what you hear. I realized that the things I felt were real feelings and more people than are willing to admit it felt the same way I did – overwhelmed and like a failure.
It is my belief that there is someone else out there struggling with their role as a mom, just as I am, and so for that reason I share my feelings, struggle and story of parenting.
I am the creator and editor behind this site. A financial analyst by day, and then a writer by every chance I can squeeze it in. I love to write, journal and play around with photography.
I’m the mother of two biological children, a daughter, 11 and son, 2. Also transitioning into being a mother figure for my nephew, who lost his mom a few months back, and he is age 6.
Blessed to be able to say that I am happily married to my best friend. Whom I have known for more than half my life. We have been married for 4 of those twenty years. Yes we were really friends all that time…
I am on a continuous journey of growth. I aspire to be a better person and try to constantly work at it, through surrounding myself with positive people and forming healthy relationships, educating myself on new things whenever I can, and actively growing in my faith.
While I hold two advanced degrees and different licenses and certifications, success to me is when I am maintaining balance in my life and still keeping my home in order. I don’t take lightly to being responsible for the development of other humans, but it is my greatest struggle.
At this stage in my life, I am hugely motivated by my family and being a support to them. I find myself constantly trying to make sure that I am fulfilling my duties to them and giving them what they need, while also maintaining and taking care of myself, my health, and pursuing things that interest me. It is a draining thing for me most times, but I am working to find the joy and balance it all.
Having my daughter is what changed my life. 11 Years ago when she was born she forced me to change with just the thought of her existence.
She completely changed my path.
Although I had completed 4 years of undergraduate studies, when I found out I was expecting, I was nowhere near graduating – changed majors, dropped and failed classes and just overall being lost had me in a not so good place. When she was born I buckled down and begin to focus more, work harder and push on.
It still took me a little while to finish but I did and then continued on to obtain my Master’s degree. But through it all, I started seeing myself for who I was and I didn’t like it. I realized there were so many things that I needed to work on; my attitude, my actions, my insecurities, and so much more that I didn’t want to impose onto her.
I find that now, I have to catch myself from parenting from fear. Often times I treat her as being guilty from the jump because she is so much like me. I can predict what she will do before she does it
I look at her now and she is more and more becoming a mirror for me. Or at least my younger self, whom (put lightly), I didn’t like. I don’t think I modified those things I didn’t like about myself soon enough cause I see so much of my younger self,
So my greatest struggle thus far has been being her mom, and working through my own issues with who I was and helping her to become a better person and not make the mistakes I did along my path, while allowing her to just be… well her.
In parenting her I struggle because I see so much of two people I don’t like – my younger self and her father.
I am constantly working on how I respond to her. How I guide her without being too rough, too abrasive, and without withdrawing. I often times want to. I further find myself having to work at building a cohesive parenting relationship with her father. Which can be truly frustrating more times than not.
When adding to my family two years ago, the struggle continued but in different ways than I imagined.
I thought that we would struggle with her feeling left out, not feeling like part of the family, and so on. Those were things I felt when my mom married and had another child (situation in many ways is almost identical).
But much to my surprise those weren’t the issues.
The issues that presented themselves, neither my husband nor I was prepared for.
When our son was born, the demand became so overwhelming.
He didn’t sleep at night, he didn’t take naps, he cried more than I could get you to fully understand. He was hard to appease without giving him your full on attention at all moments. And even when you did that, he could very well not be satisfied.
We were both very present but both very drained. Neither of us drank coffee before he was born and then we lived on it after his arrival.
He wasn’t colicky. He was healthy by all counts. Really, he was just a hard to please cry baby. And I say “was” very lightly as he still has it in him at 2. But he is slowly improving as he learns more words. We are becoming more firm with him in being adamant about not just crying to hear himself.
After he was born, we went from having one fairly independent child, who was away at least every other weekend, and possibly more often in the summer months to having not only a child with us at all times, but one who would not sleep and was not easy to manage.
We struggled with maintaining our individuality, finding “us time”, and still, for me, giving our daughter the necessary “stuff” she needed from me.
I would like to note that I say those things in past tense very lightly. Because we have one foot in that space and one foot out. And also note that I say for me, because my hubby and my daughter have an amazing relationship, he actually serves as our “buffer” if you will. He talks me through my issues and just tries to meet me where he can to make sure she feels supported and loved in our home.
Then, God adds on another child….
I had a slight panic attack recently with the thought of taking on another child, and I wondered why God would do this. But trusting that he will equip me (us) for what he is bringing me(us) to is what I am holding on to.
I know that god is working on me in parenting and this is my “thing” he is using to grow me.
As I work though my issues in parenting my daughter specifically, I am also working through forgiveness (forgiving myself), self-love (loving myself), and my overall attitude and outlook.
In parenting all three of them, I am constantly praying for increased patience and the ability to just “be” with them.
As a means to balance all that parenting is for me, I read ALOT. I have surrounded myself with Godly women who I feel are great parents. I truly try to just be a sponge around them. And I try to look at each day as a new day to get it right.
As I reflect on my life growing up there are some great women including my mom and my aunt who helped me be who I am today. But then there are some people that I have met recently that are in the thick of parenting in today’s times. Times where there is internet, over sexuality, a breakdown in family structure and an overabundance of non-positive role models. All of that continually helps mold me into the mom I want to be to all three of my children.
They are each different and need different things from me. That is what I am striving to do, give them the best life and start that I can. Before they are out there living adult lives.
As one of the fellow bloggers in a group I am in said, “the goal is to raise children who don’t need counseling to get over their childhood…”
Right now I find strength in the fact that I know there is purpose in this struggle, that I know this is a growth process and that God is really seeing me through this.
I have found that many women find it hard or even taboo to admit that they struggle with, or even don’t like being a mom. I always tell women who admit it, that it is a natural and normal feeling. It is one of the hardest jobs we will ever have. There are no instructions for it, no return policy, and we are all human.
I think that being honest with yourself and others (within reason) about your feelings is what helps you to grow through it, rather than just going through it and hoping that it will pass.Grow through it rather than just going through it… #parenting #growth Click To Tweet
To me a good woman is someone who is living her best life that she knows how; who is open to growing and change, and looks within to define herself rather than letting the world around her do it for her.
I am continually striving to be a good woman overall. The goal, a great role model to my children. The best wife my husband could ever have. A supportive and loving friend to those people around me that God has blessed me with, and someone others can look at and see light through me. I am defining my good with every day God gives me here on earth.I am defining my good with every day God gives me here on earth. Click To Tweet
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I love to spotlight and feature real women with real struggles. Women who are being open and transparent about their struggles, how they are not letting those things define them. Instead they are defining their own “good”. To see more about why transparency is so important please Click here.
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